Back home again in Indiana…healing visit
Today is a tough one. Today, two years ago, I received the gut-wrenching phone call that my dear sister Tammy did not survive a tragic drunk driving accident. Adding to this devastation was the verdict in the trial nearly one year ago: offender was found not guilty. So, I have had a lot of time to think, ponder, contemplate, plead with God as to why this happened and the outcome.
I tell people that my walk in this loss can be compared to something like a college degree. The work load (and the money and sweat and emotions) put into the grief counseling, support groups and homework for the group, reading books, writing to fill up numerous journals, weeping and shaking, and more, was not far off of earning my B.S. Degree in Accounting. Of course, the emotions are quite different. It has been two solid years of effort to work through this. I still miss Tammy more than ever.
What I have learned and discovered is an endless list.
Here is just a bit:
Deeper walk with God. Closer family relationships. Hugs that speak “you mean the world to me.” Times to just sit and reflect. An increased awareness of the birds, the trees, and all that is around me outside. Oh, we have had so many bunnies this past year – so fun to watch them bounce around in the backyard. More intentional silliness and playing practical jokes. Daring to try new adventures. Making more time for friends and creating fun memories. Bigger acceptance and understanding of others. Clearer perspective of the real important things in life (though I still get hung up on picking up dirty clothes on the floor and getting kids to bed at a reasonable time and kids not taking showers 10 minutes before leaving for school….)
A renewed commitment of my own health and experiences. Greater insight as to what God calls me to do with this grief and my passion for people. To seize moments. And this one I found in a book: I have stronger character, because I am a survivor! Yes, I am surviving this tragic loss, and amazed at how God can make beauty out of ashes. I honestly didn’t know how I would survive that day. But today, yes, I am living life to its fullest. I am doing both – feeling joy, feeling sorrow. Holding on to the Hope of Eternity!
And when I took Evan, my youngest, with me to Indiana for our recent trip, I knew this was part of my healing process in this grief of losing Tammy, I needed to get back to our childhood homes. The photo above is from our home our dad built in 1978, we etched our names into the driveway. Found my name! I just needed to be in my hometown. I needed to be there in that beautiful Chicago town. I desperately longed to reconnect with my extended family and have some time with friends, too.
Oh, to reminisce is like soothing balm to a wound.
Evan and I had a total blast. We did so much in our time there. And even though I hoped to swim in Lake Michigan (which we didn’t), we still got to see it and run through the sandy beach with the wind hitting our faces, feeling like we were about to freeze. But, it’s those unexpected moments that you remember most.
You see, I used to go back home for regular visits before having children. Still, with the children, we made a visit now and then, but not often as before. As the children grew older, I hardly got back. And when I did get back to the Midwest, Tammy ran our schedule. I loved every minute of it. But, I never got to go to the Region area where we grew up, and to Chicago. She said she got to have me all to herself. She was kind of bossy like that. But, I gave it back to her when she came to AZ, my bossy schedule. ha.ha!!
So, this time, it was up to me to run the show. Plan out the days. And, what a blessed and memorable time with Evan. We have so many memories to treasure and personal jokes! He was so interested in everything I shared with him (when he wasn’t playing on the Ipad driving through the long stretches of open fields in Indiana). It was hard to be there without Tammy, but really, she is with me and in my heart always. Nothing and nobody can take that away.
Take time to reminisce on your youthful days.
I would love to hear of your memories!
